From childhood, girls are encouraged to be agreeable, quiet and please others, at the cost of their own wellbeing or needs. There is a social pressure to please at home, in educational institutions, and even at the workplace.
Most of my life I felt like I had to tick boxes to manufacture my worth. I have had many experiences of being shamed for being assertive, speaking up, not adjusting, saying no and not being nice enough. I clearly remember by the time I was 25 years old, I felt emotionally and physically exhausted. I was done pleasing everybody!
From my personal experience there is certainly nothing wrong with being nice. It is not my intent to undermine the unique sensibilities of women and girls, but too many girls and women walk away from conversations muttering to themselves about what they really wanted to say. When kindness comes at the expense of truth, it is not a kindness worth having. And when generosity leads to silence or abuse, it is not a generosity worth giving.
Besides that, the qualities we value and praise in girls—like being agreeable and quiet -rarely translate well when these girls grow up and step in to the real world. This behavior costs them severely once they step out looking for professional success, especially in high-earning careers that value assertiveness, confidence and risk-taking.
With the good girl attitude you may enjoy success in high school or even in college, but as you will move into the workplace, the rules of the game will change. It is no longer enough to be hardworking and have a great GPA. You should be able to self-promote, negotiate, and take critical feedback without taking anything personally.
Don’t be too eager to please, too afraid of ruffling feathers, and too unaccustomed to failure and struggle to initially handle the rough and tumble business world.
We must develop skills that our valuable for our success not just in the “real world” but in our day-to-day lives and relationships because life can be pretty stressful when you’re constantly trying to please and relying on others to build your self-esteem.
It took me a while to figure myself out on this topic and life itself is a very good teacher as long as you are willing to learn. I have started to question everything, speaking up and caring less about what others think that I should do and more about what I think is good for me. I am no longer trying to be a good girl or a bad one, I just want to be me and take full responsibility of my happiness and be able to own my success as well as my failures without blaming anyone.
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